EDITOR'S NOTE: WHEN GET DOWN RECEIVED THIS BLOGGER'S POST , WE WERE ASKED IF THE BLOGGER COULD REMAIN "ANONYMOUS" AND WE AGREED. IT IS POSTED VERBATIM. THE BLOGGER CHOSE THE TITLE "SOLUTION UNCLEAR" AND THEIR NAME "GATEKEEPER". WE FEEL IT'S IMPORTANT FOR "ANONYMOUS", AND THE MILLIONS OTHERS THAT SHARE THE SAME FEELINGS, TO KNOW THAT THEY ARE NOT ALONE. THERE ARE PLACES YOU CAN GO, CONFIDENTIALLY, FOR HELP. WE ARE PARTNERED WITH FACES NY AND WE'VE POSTED INFORMATION BY STATE TO VARIOUS TESTING AND COUNSELING SITES AROUND THE COUNTRY ON OUR MYSPACE.COM/GETDOWNPSA BLOG PAGE.
By being an African-American male I am faced with many issues, but I never doubted my ability to overcome them. My world was crushed without efficient documentation around my eighteenth birthday when I started getting ill. The cause was HIV; three letters which never crossed my mind, even though the signs where hitting me in my face. I felt like the growing number of cases across the globe. I felt like a failure to my parents, my community and myself. I was naive to the plague running rogue in the world. I was blinded by the lifestyle I was living. Now how do I cope with the depression, illness and misery? More than once has the easy solution of taking my life entered my brain, but maybe something greater is in-store for me. I have good days and some that are not so good. I have yet to found it in myself to love myself, yet I crave to be loved, ironic. I ask myself “Who will love me now since I am apart of the problem.” Never have I seen so much sadness and disappointment from my parents. Tears filled their eyes as news broke, but they were the ones who warned me. I slowly fall into the abyss with no rope I feel. Having a secret like this is a struggle to protect, because such a secret can cause alienation. I hope for a cure but this hope is like wishing on a star; just a glimpse of shinning hope. My sorrows, fears and disappointment run deep as the Pacific Ocean and I feel like one day I will give up and drown. One thing that rings in my head is the words of my mother, “The next day will be better.” Those words give me strength to proceed even when I feel like giving up. Is this the plan God has for me? Maybe I will make a difference, but I hope my drive and fight will not run out because they are on empty. How can I refuel my hopes and dreams?
Signed, “Gatekeeper”
By being an African-American male I am faced with many issues, but I never doubted my ability to overcome them. My world was crushed without efficient documentation around my eighteenth birthday when I started getting ill. The cause was HIV; three letters which never crossed my mind, even though the signs where hitting me in my face. I felt like the growing number of cases across the globe. I felt like a failure to my parents, my community and myself. I was naive to the plague running rogue in the world. I was blinded by the lifestyle I was living. Now how do I cope with the depression, illness and misery? More than once has the easy solution of taking my life entered my brain, but maybe something greater is in-store for me. I have good days and some that are not so good. I have yet to found it in myself to love myself, yet I crave to be loved, ironic. I ask myself “Who will love me now since I am apart of the problem.” Never have I seen so much sadness and disappointment from my parents. Tears filled their eyes as news broke, but they were the ones who warned me. I slowly fall into the abyss with no rope I feel. Having a secret like this is a struggle to protect, because such a secret can cause alienation. I hope for a cure but this hope is like wishing on a star; just a glimpse of shinning hope. My sorrows, fears and disappointment run deep as the Pacific Ocean and I feel like one day I will give up and drown. One thing that rings in my head is the words of my mother, “The next day will be better.” Those words give me strength to proceed even when I feel like giving up. Is this the plan God has for me? Maybe I will make a difference, but I hope my drive and fight will not run out because they are on empty. How can I refuel my hopes and dreams?
Signed, “Gatekeeper”
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